Jesus' General

Safeguarding the rights of Fetus-Americans

I see there is going to be another abortion vote in Congress, but I can't say I'm very excited about it. Sure, I'm pro-life and I think life begins when the the sperm cells are made. That's why I never spill my seed upon the ground. I keep it in dixie cups in my freezer. Every one of those little sperms has the potential to become the President of the United States or even a fiddle player like Charley Daniels. But, I'm getting off track.

The reason I'm not excited about new legislation limiting abortion is because I think we have too many laws as it is. There has to be a better way to do it. We've been very successful so far giving Fetus-Americans the same rights as the rest of us. The US Department of Health and Human Services now officially calls them "unborn children" and gives them all the rights regular children have. It's a good start. We can finish the job by giving them the ultimate right: the ability to exercise their Second Amendment rights in defense of their lives.

Yes, I think it's time to arm Fetus-Americans. It's the only way we'll ever be able to guarantee their safety. No anti-abortion law will do it. The fetus' hosts will just go into a back alley if it's illegal; however, if you arm that fetus, no back alley abortionist is going to dare to go messing around in there. An armed Fetus-American is a safe Fetus American.

Sure, it won't be easy. Fetus-Americans aren't very smart. They touch themselves inappropriately. They don't see very well, and they have a hard time controlling their movements. They're going to need a lot of training. The NRA is very good at this kind of thing. Their Eddy the Eagle program for children is outstanding. I'm thinking they could use the lessons they've learned there to create a Ziggy the Zygote program. They'll have those little bastards nailing gynecologists in no time.