Jesus' General

Liberal church violates law in effort to keep guns out of its pews

Without regard to the safety of their congregation, the liberals who lead the Edina Community Lutheran Church have decreed that no guns will be allowed in their chapel. Furthermore, they are violating a recently passed state law, by failing to verbally notify each person who enters the church that guns aren't allowed. Instead, they posted signs announcing the restriction in the parking lot. They apparently believed that discussing guns at the chapel doors wasn't fitting. That's liberals for you. They're turning church into a sewing circle.

I can't imagine going to church without my piece. I like to stroke it's long steel barrel as I pray. It provides me comfort in a way my Saviour can't. I mean, how could I defend myself against an armed collection plate robbery if I wasn't packing.

Worse yet, what if a group of radical homosexuals invaded the church like they did in that cathedral in New York a few years back. Sure, that time they only yelled things at the Cardinal, but next time they may try to have their way with the deacons. They might bend me over the alter and force their hard pulsating manhood deep inside me. Yeah, I'd fight, but without a gun, my struggles would only excite them more, causing them to grind even harder and deeper and deeper and harder and deeper... I'd be left with but one defense. I'd have to clamp down on my sphincter muscle and hold them there until the police arrived.

Just thinking about it now I can almost feel their broad muscular hairy chests scratching against my back while their hot wet breath starts a shiver in the base of my neck that shoots like a .44 down my spine. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that such thoughts bring my little soldier to attention. Private Johnson is not aroused by visions of rough man sex. No, it's the eventual combat that I find exciting. Really.