The case for war against Pender Island, British Columbia (Part 1)
On June 15, 1859, those who hate America because we're free sent a pig into Lyman Cutler's garden on San Juan Island in Oregon Territory. That pig was a message. A message of disrespect for all we stand for. Lyman Cutler answered that message in the only way a true American can. He shot the pig. Thus began what became to be know as the Pig War.
The foreigners immediately tried to arrest Cutler. The Governor of Oregon Territory responded by sending the hard charging Capt. George E. Pickett along with 66 men to San Juan Island. That angered the Governor of British Columbia (BC), who claimed the island for the Queen of England. Three British warships were sent to dislodge Pickett and the brave Americans.
The British sailors, being the prim and proper girly-man they are, refused to engage our gallant soldiers. A stand-off ensued until a group of bearded peaceniks in Washington convinced the liberal socialist Democrat president, James Buchanan, to sue for peace. To the shame of Americans everywhere, the appeasnik Buchanan agreed to joint occupation. That shame was compounded 13 years later when an Arkansas sharecropper named William Clinton forced President Grant to allow the German Kaiser, another foreigner, to decide who would own the island. Fortunately, the Kaiser recognized the American claim. He failed, however, to force the British to pay for the damage done by the pig to Cutler's garden, thus encouraging our enemies to commit further crimes against America.
The British terrorists moved across the Haro Strait to Pender Island. Their progeny live their today, smugly taunting America with their pigs and gardens. We may have the land, but the Pender Islanders have our stolen honor and they mean to keep it. That's why they have acquired weapons of mass destruction and have opened terrorist training camps. More on that in future installments.
Facts about Pender Island, BC
- Many of their official documents are written in French.
- It is part of a province named for two foreign countries.
- Their autocratic mayor, Ian McNeely, is probably French.
- Like the Arabs, they measure distance in kilometers rather than miles.
- They trade with Cuba.
- They celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
- They send children to a special childrens prison
- They play a sport called "curling" with brooms and teakettles. It's a metaphor for their goal of feminizing the world.
- They eat Christian babies on a holiday they call "Boxing Day."
- Pender Island is actually two islands. They think they're fooling us.
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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.