Jesus' General

Damned Forensic Artists

I've written about my son, Jesus, before. As you may recall, he's the second coming of our Lord and Savior. I know this because he was immaculately conceived. You see, Mrs. Christian became pregnant a couple of years after Klinton killed my "little soldier" making it impossible for me to perform my Godly marital duties. Immaculate conception is the only possible explanation for the miracle of Mrs. Christian's pregnancy.

Of course, if the Klintons found my little Jesus, they, like Herod, before them, would have tried to kill him. God knew this, so he made him look like a little Mexican baby. The funny thing is that he still looks like a little Mexican boy four years later. That has me a bit concerned.

It's hard to have a son that looks so different from me even if He is our Lord and Savior. People are always assuming that he's adopted. When I tell them no, they look at my wife and smile kind of funny like, causing her face to turn all red.

It started to bother me more and more because something about it didn't seem right. Finally, I decided to contact a forensic artist I saw on television to see if he could help me out. He makes a living creating pictures of what children will look like when they grow older. Investigators use these pictures to find missing children years after they were kidnapped. I figured that this guy could show me what little Jesus would look like as an adult, and I'd be able to see some of my own features in him.

Unfortunately, the results were disappointing. The picture I looked nothing like me. In fact, the adult version of my little boy looked just like my neighbor, Chuey Gonzolas. Chuey is just a nick name. His real name is Jesus. Mrs. Christian told him that we named our little boy after him so that he wouldn't guess that our son is the Lamb. After all, we think Vhuey might be a Democrat.

Last night, I finally figured out that the forensic artist ripped us off. The whole industry is a scam. Take a look at this picture a forensic artist made of Michael Jackson using an old Jackson Five photo. It looks nothing like him. It makes him look like a negro.