Jesus' General

We must protect Honest Abe from leering homosexuals

I sent the following email to Sec. of Interior Gale Norton and National Park Service Director Fran Mainella. I urge you to send your own notes supporting my idea.

Dear Sec. Norton and Director Mainella,

Abraham Lincoln is my favorite president. He was a strong manly leader, much like our current president. He did not tolerate treachery. Instead, he suspended habeas corpus, locked up newspaper publishers for sedition, and shut down Congress. His presidency could serve as a model for are own troubled times. I thank our Lord Jesus, that Brother Ashcroft and President Bush are putting the Lincoln example to good use.

I've been following the controversy about footage of homosexual rallies being included in the video shown at President Lincoln's memorial. I agree with your decision to replace it with Promise Keeper scenes even though that fine manly Christian organization has never rallied there.

Removing the footage isn't enough. We need to make the Lincoln Memorial less attractive to homosexuals. I have a few ideas about how we can accomplish that.

I've been to the Lincoln Memorial many times. Although I am greatly moved by it, I'm also more that a bit disconcerted. You see, the monument has a major flaw. Ladies like yourself may not have noticed the the President's legs are spread apart, drawing the viewers eyes to the crotchal area. Of course, that part of the anatomy is hard to see because the President sits far above eye level, but if one climbs up onto the statue and looks, a faint outline of the President's manly parts--a bulge if you will--is apparent. I think that's what makes the monument so appealing to homosexuals. I know that every time I crawl up there to look, Satan fills my head with all sorts of unrighteous temptations, and like John Paulk, I later find myself accidentally walking into bars on P Street. That doesn't mean I'm a homosexual. Satan just tempts me more than others because he wants to stop my work. I'm straight, really, I am. Ask anybody.

I think this flaw in the monument can be easily fixed. All we need to do is drape a quilt over the President's lap. We could make it a great national project that will bring us all together, perhaps even an annual national quilting bee led by great Christian women who promote traditional values like Phyllis Schlafley and Beverly LaHaye. Heck, it could be a whole week of festivities with a bouffant hair styling competition to see who can create the highest, most blue-black hairdo. What do you think?

Once we take care of the problem at the Lincoln Memorial, we can start removing the other homosexual imagery that has become so prevalent in our government--things like the Forest Service's Smokey the Bear. We could replace him with a big burley lumberjack--I'm picturing a very hard, muscular, boyish yet manly looking man, shirtless and sweating from the exertion of felling long rough columns of mighty timber in the summer sun. He would be the perfect icon for our new forest policies.

First things first, however. Let's put a quilt on the President's lap. I'd be glad to help in any way other than quilting.

Heterosexually yours,

General JC Christian, Patriot

UPDATE

Those vile Frenchmen, Peanut and Bobo, say we ought to contact the Lincoln Memorial and Rep. Todd Tiahrt (R-God) too. Brother Rep. Tiahrt is the man who's working so hard to turn homosexuals into unpeople at the memorial. I've contacted them. You should too.