Jesus' General

Adam Yoshida is my soulmate

Dear Mr. Yoshida,

Some people may wonder whether you might suffer from some underlying confusion about your sexuality. They might point to your use of homosexual imagery when you write things like this:

The Democrats today are the party of appeasement, abortion, and buggery. If elected President, Howard Dean will, in the fine tradition of his two Democratic predecessors, not only willingly consent to having the Republic ass-raped by Moslems, but he’ll be happy to perform the act sans lubrication.

Other's might point to what some people might call a fear on your part in regard to being accused of being a homosexual. They'd probably cite lines like this from your excellent essay on your dreams of an American utopia:

However, a general prejudice had developed that any man who refused a duel was a probable homosexual and, therefore, refusals were generally rare and those who refused often fled.

Before I go on, I think it's important for me to point out that I'd never refuse a dueling challenge. Never in a million years. Please take my word on that. It's very important to me.

They might also note your own admission of homophobia and point to this study suggesting that there is a correlation between homophobia and repressed homosexual desires. I'd disagree with them. Homophobes are not homosexuals. In fact we hate homosexuals. That's why we're called homophobes. Sure, my little soldier stands at attention when I'm watching homosexual pornography, but that's only because I'm imagining myself battling them in manly combat--BTW, I only watch it so that I can identify homosexuals who may visit my community. There's just something about the thought of two men, one representing God and the other, Satan, arms locked in battle, muscular thighs grinding into each other as good brings evil into submission. My little soldier can't resist that. In fact, it's the only thing that will cause Private Johnson to stir anymore.

Now I don't know if you're really obsessed by homosexuality, but there is nothing wrong with such an obsession. It's a sacrifice some of us must make. We have to think of hot sweaty homosexual sex every waking moment to spare others from having to do so. We pay that price in order to free our nation from the lavender grip of homosexuality. People should be thanking rather than condemning us.

Adam, I sense that we may be soulmates, and I'd like to get to know you better. If you ever have an opportunity to visit our country, I'd like you to drop by my house for a few days. I could show you my vast collection of gladiator movies. It would be fun. There's no better way for two men to bond than to share a case of Coors beer while watching Ben Hur or Sparticus.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot