Jesus' General

Fellowshipping Fred

Dear Rev. Phelps,

These are trying times for those of us involved in sodomy ministries. The culture is awash with homosexuality. Queer eyes are serving as mentors to straight guys on television. Massachusetts has decided to recognize homosexuals as human beings who deserve to be treated with dignity. Presidential candidates are taking up the meterosexual lifestyle.

With each of these victories, Satan's power increases, and he begins to look for new targets to seduce. Unfortunately, it looks like we are now in his sights. It's really not that unexpected. If he can turn us, he'll bring down our ministries and sodomy will become the new NASCAR. We must resist.

It's come to my attention that you've been frequenting a blog called "Out There." I checked it out and found it to be a little "funny" if you know what I mean. There's a lot of posts about homosexuality, and the guy who runs it calls himself an Antarean (that sounds very French to me). I suspect that he might be a homosexual.

I'm very worried that you'll fall under the spell of his homo-mojo, a particularly strong form of magic that is irresistible. I know. It's felled me many times. One minute my eyes will be drawn to a particularly manly bulge straining hard against the fabric of jeans so tight they look painted on and the next I'll be on my knees in the back room of a bar surrounded by hairy bikers who don't own motorcycles.

I think a bit of pastorly fellowshipping will do us both some good. It will strengthen us against Satan's temptations. We'll do a weekend of old fashioned manly style bonding. We'll watch my extensive collection of gladiator movies. We'll eat frito pie and fart and punch each other in the shoulder. We'll bond in the ancient tradition of the Spartan warriors, wrestling naked in a fraternal expression of our manliness.

Once we've bonded as brothers, we'll confess our lustful thoughts to each other and then retreat to my punishment room for spankings followed by prayer and possibly by even more spankings. It will be good for us. It will rejuvenate our spirits and restore our ability to resist Satan.

Let me know when you're available and I'll send my wife away for the weekend.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot