Dear Mr. Mattera,
I read on the web today that your organization, the Roger Williams University College Republicans, is sponsoring a whites only scholarship. Good for you. It's about time that someone did something about the sad, sorry plight of the white Christian male. Each year, it seems like there are fewer and fewer of us in boardrooms, legislatures, colleges and country club leadership posts. There's even talk of having minority drivers in NASCAR.
Some may accuse you of playing racial politics, but they don't understand the issue. You're merely using a racial issue as a political tool. That's not racial politics; it's good ole dixiecrat politics, and I'm glad that young people like you are keeping the old traditions alive.
My cousin Earl is a traditionalist himself. He's a respected member of a local Christian society that dates back to the reconstruction era. They've even honored him by making him a kleagle, an important office within the organization. I think he'd be a great addition to the Roger Williams University College Republicans. The problem is that he doesn't have enough money to pay tuition. Your fifty dollar scholarship could help him with that.
Earl's had a rough time. He's been out of work since he was let go from the gas station after they went self service ten years ago. When he goes for job interviews, they tell him that they can't use a guy who comes to interviews reeking of whiskey, but we know the real truth of the matter is that they're looking for a minority to fill their quota.
Earl has a lot to offer. He's a crackerjack chemist even though he only has an eighth grade education. His chemistry skills have been recognized by law enforcement agencies in seven jurisdictions.
Most importantly, he is not a homosexual.
I'm attaching his application. Please give it your full consideration.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, Patriot
P.S. I'm no hick. I know how these things work. I'm considering raising money to build a fountain on your campus to honor the good work that you're doing. We'll call it the Jason Mattera/Roger Williams University College Republicans Memorial Whites Only Fountain.
