Jesus' General

Samish-sex marriage: something new to fear

I hate exposing my readers to fancy foreign magazines like the New Yorker, but today, a Frenchman I know sent me an article so disturbing, I feel like I have to share it with you. According to George Saunders, the abomination we call marriage equality is more than some hellish possibility; it's here now. He calls it "samish-sex marriage."

In the town where I live, I have frequently observed a phenomenon I have come to think of as Samish-Sex Marriage. Take, for example, K, a male friend of mine, of slight build, with a ponytail. K is married to S, a tall, stocky female with extremely short hair, almost a crewcut. Often, while watching K play with his own ponytail as S towers over him, I have wondered, Isn't it odd that this somewhat effeminate man should be married to this somewhat masculine woman? Is K not, on some level, imperfectly expressing a slight latent desire to be married to a man? And is not S, on some level, imperfectly expressing a slight latent desire to be married to a woman?

Then I ask myself, Is this truly what God had in mind?

The answer is, "of course not!" God likes burly manly men. Men who drink beer and fart out loud and scratch their grenades while watching NASCAR.

He wants these men to marry tiny high-voiced women who wear dresses and hum while they're getting a beer out of the fridge for their husbands. Women who are intelligent enough to pick manly chunky over swishy creamy peanut butter, but know their limitations when it comes to big decisions like whether to get a pointer or a retriever.

Unfortunately, there are far too few couples who meet such Godly standards. We need to act to change that. Saunders has what I think is a workable plan for doing so.

Because my feeling is, when God made man and woman He had something very specific in mind. It goes without saying that He did not want men marrying men, or women marrying women, but also what He did not want, in my view, was feminine men marrying masculine women.

Which is why I developed my Manly Scale of Absolute Gender.

Using my Scale, which assigns numerical values according to a set of masculine and feminine characteristics, it is now easy to determine how Manly a man is and how Fem a woman is, and therefore how close to a Samish-Sex Marriage a given marriage is.

Here's how it works. Say we determine that a man is an 8 on the Manly Scale, with 10 being the most Manly of all and 0 basically a Neuter. And say we determine that his fiancée is a -6 on the Manly Scale, with a -10 being the most Fem of all. Calculating the difference between the man's rating and the woman's rating--the Gender Differential--we see that this proposed union is not, in fact, a Samish-Sex Marriage, which I have defined as "any marriage for which the Gender Differential is less than or equal to 10 points."

Friends whom I have identified as being in Samish-Sex Marriages often ask me, George, given that we have scored poorly, what exactly would you have us do about it?

Well, one solution I have proposed is divorce--divorce followed by remarriage to a more suitable partner. K, for example, could marry a voluptuous high-voiced N.F.L. cheerleader, who would more than offset his tight feminine derriére, while his ex-wife, S, might choose to become involved with a lumberjack with very large arms, thereby neutralizing her thick calves and faint mustache.

There you have it, the perfect solution. But will any politician have the guts needed to enact such legislation? Certainly, the Democrats won't. Being French, there probably isn't a man among them who scores higher than a three or a women who breaks the minus two mark.

Our only hope is Dick Cheney. He's definitely a ten. Have you ever noticed his manly bulge? I can't take my eyes off of it. In fact, I've enlarged a photo of it and glued it to my ceiling in the hopes that it's sheer masculinity will stir my little soldier out of its slumber--sometimes it even works.

I think he could use his great bulge of manly justice to entrance Congress and force it to pass anti-samish sex marriage legislation. At least I hope so.