Jesus' General

Getting bin Laden

Dear Mr. Ailes,

I'm becoming quite concerned about the possibility that we won't be able to capture Usama bin Laden before the election. If that's the case, we could all be eating snails and singing Edith Piaf songs by January. There's nothing manly about snails or Edith Piaf. It will be the end of America as we know it.

I given a lot of consideration to the reasons why bin Laden has avoided capture and I've come to the conclusion that we just haven't been focused enough. Our Leader is constantly distracted by other equally important matters like fundraising, White House investigations, fundraising, putting people on Mars, and fundraising. With all of these distractions, it's no wonder bin Laden remains free.

It doesn't have to be that way. There have been a number of times when Our Leader has been able to focus long enough to defeat our enemies. I'm referring to his unwavering efforts to destroy Joe Wilson, Paul O'Neill, and Richard Clarke.

What do these three men have in common? Think about it. They all wrote something critical of the President--Wilson an op-ed and the others, books--and then they discussed their criticisms on television. That's the key to getting Our Leader focused enough to finish the job.

We need to get bin Laden to do the same thing. You can handle the television end of it, and I'm thinking about Regnery Publishing for the book. They're the folks who've brought us such fine literary standards as Legacy: Paying the Price for the Clinton Years, Absolute Power: The Legacy of Corruption in the Clinton-Reno Justice Department, and Betrayal: How the Clinton Administration Undermined American Security. I bet they could grab one of the books in their pipeline, change all the "Clintons" to "Bushs" using Microsoft Word's replace function, give it a title like Disgusted: The Legacy of Betrayal Wrought by a Jesus-hating Muslim who Criticized President Bush and stamp Usama's name on it.

All that's left is to persuade bin Laden to claim authorship and appear on Fox and Friends. You know Adm. John Poindexter, don't you? Give him a call and ask him to bring over a couple of Stinger shoulder fired anti-aircraft missiles to give to Usama--it will be like old times. We could sweeten the pot with a few million from Dick Scaife and perhaps a Schwarzenegger autograph. That should be enough.

I hope you're as excited about this as I am. I bet we could have bin Laden behind bars within a week of his appearance on Fox.

Hey, we could time it for the convention. Picture Our Leader leading a leashed bin Laden out to view the World Trade Center site. It wouldn't be political, of course. It would just be Our Leader's way of bringing closure to a grieving nation--and I bet it'd be worth 30 points in the polls.

Drop me a note.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot