Everybody thinks I'm a homosexual

Dear Sen. Lott, Sen Cochran, and Rep. Pickering [The American Family Association will send separate emails to each of the members of the Mississippi delegation]

I saw that Troy movie this weekend, and it was fantastic. There's nothing quite like seeing ancient Greek warriors going at it with each other.

Men were warriors back then. They were manly gladiators who went into battle with nothing but a helmet, a short sword, a little leather miniskirt and breastplate, complete with manly brass nipples. They didn't have none of those fancy Kevlar helmets or flack vests like soldiers wear today. They were men, dammit.

I'm sure you know what it's like when us warriors see other warriors locked in mortal combat. There are certain physiological reactions that occur regardless how hard you try to suppress them. No matter how much ice you dump from your soda cup into your lap, you just can't prevent your little soldier from standing at attention when you're watching Brad Pitt drive his shaft into the ribs of a Trojan. Once that happens, you can't help but to grab hold of it like the hilt of a sword and make jabbing motions at that elf guy from Lord of the Rings.

That's what happened to me. Unfortunately, the lady in the next seat noticed my excited state and whispered, "Congratulations, they're going to let you people get married on Monday."

I couldn't believe it. She thought I was a homosexual. I ran right out of that theater, my little soldier poking the backs of peoples' heads as I made my way to the aisle. I was absolutely mortified.

I blame it on the liberal, secular media. Between Will and Grace and the news, they make you think everybody is a homosexual. We've got to end that.

I think passing this constitutional amendment thing would be a good start. By singling out homosexuals for officially sanctioned discrimination, we'll be telling people that it's OK to hate them. That'll drive them all back into the closet and eventually we'll all forget they exist. Then, it'll be safe to see a movie about Greek warriors again.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot.