The Rush to American Victory Tour

Dear Rush,

Time and time again, you've told us that our invasion of Iraq would deal a death blow to Al Qaeda. I know you're right about that, but according to the Associated Press, Al Qaeda, with at least 18,000 card carrying terrorists on its rolls, is bigger than ever.

It's obvious to me that the liberal-minded AP is just trying to discredit our glorious Iraq crusade, but I'm worried that others might not be as skeptical as I am. We need to do something to demonstrate that we are indeed winning this war on terrorism.

I think you're the obvious choice to lead such an effort. I don't think there is anyone who garners as much respect as you do--everyone I talk to reveres you.

I propose that you hold a series of live appearances in the Middle East. We could call it the Rush to American Victory Tour. By holding it in such former terrorist hot spots as Peshawar, Pakistan; Jalalabad, Afghanistan; and Lebanon's Bekaa Valley, you would show the world that we are achieving victory over terrorism.

Think about it. Rush Limbaugh on a huge flag-draped stage, delivering a speech about the superiority of western culture to an audience of appreciative Muslims. You could do funny bits tailored specifically for the locals--things like smearing bacon on a bin Laden poster in Peshawar or a Sheikh Abdel
Karim Obeid poster in the Bekaa Valley or perhaps a skit featuring a US soldier dirty dancing with a woman in a burka.

We'd need music too. Do you know Toby Keith? He'd be perfect. I wonder if any of his lyrics have been translated into Arabic or Pashto.

When offstage you could tour the cities' large opium markets and produce PSA's featuring you saying no to a big, black, fresh ball of unadulterated opium or a bindle of powdery, snow white heroin straight out of the lab. That'd help you personally here at home.

I hope you consider it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot
truebeliever(at)softhome.net