I'm a little bit worried about Larry

Dear Mr. King,

I'm worried about you, Larry. I don't think you're making very good choices.

You see, today, I decided to take the family to the picture show. The boy wanted to see Shrek 2, so I looked it up on christiananswers.net--I never see a movie without reading a Christian review of it first.

Here's what they said:

Normally, when apparently gay characters are presented in comedy films (such as "The Duplex" or "Good Boy"), I don't comment on them in reviews. I follow I Corinthians 13 and always assume the best, unless the evidence is overwhelming. But in Shrek 2 there's an undeniably gay male bartender.

Usually, that would be enough to convince me to see something else. But my boy was really set on going to Shrek 2 and I wasn't sure that I Corinthians 13 didn't apply, so I decided to check the ultimate authority, Lou Sheldon's Traditional Values Coalition.

Here's what they had to say:

The movie features a male-to-female transgender (in transition) as an evil bartender. The character has five o'clock shadow, wears a dress and has female breasts. It is clear that he is a she-male. His voice is that of talk show host Larry King.

During a dance scene at the end of the movie, this transgendered man expresses sexual desire for Prince Charming, jumps on him, and both tumble to the floor.

I can't tell you how disappointed I was to hear that you were a part of this. I found Jesus while listening to your old radio show. I'll never forget it. I was listening to the Numbers Man explaining how that day's baseball scores proved the existence of God, and suddenly, I understood what he was talking about.

You brought me to Jesus, Larry. Now, you're leading children down Dorothy's fabulously lavender road.

What do you think your co-workers at CNN think of this? Surely, Jack Cafferty can't be too comfortable with it. You should consider talking to him. He's everything a man should be-- angry, white, conservative and very masculine. I like to think of him as my strict and stern daddy.

You should ask him if he'll mentor you. If he says no, do what I do--fill a video tape with his Cafferty File pieces, watch it with the sound down while listening to the song, Edelweiss, and contemplate your own manliness. Word of warning: don't touch yourself while doing this, no matter how much you may be tempted to do so. Take it from someone who knows. There lies madness and sin.

Please let me know how it goes, but don't tell Mr. Cafferty that it was me who suggested that you talk to him. I'm not sure if the restraining order allows me to do that.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: The obscenely named Hairy Fishnuts ie going to Hell for writing our Lord and Savior about this.