Raising heterosexual babies

The good folks at Landover Baptist Church provide us with an easy ten-point reference for raising good, God-fearing heterosexual babies.

Here's a sample of their wisdom:

1. A boy must not sit on a toilet unless he is having a bowel movement. Standing straight up, not hunched over while urinating, is a sign of manliness. Squatting on a toilet seat (especially if he hovers to avoid the urine of others or prissily wipes the seat with a square of toilet tissue) to pee is not only effeminate but a sign of shame! It is a secret hobby that homosexuals use in their daily lives. It is a scientific fact that when needing to use the restroom, a male is called upon to engage in the unpleasant undertaking of extruding a poopy in only 1 out of every 3 visits. But homosexuals use all three visits to practice squatting, to limber the cheeks of their bottom in preparation for even the most enormous (Negro) penises. Such calisthenics are neither necessary nor advisable for men who have no intention of squatting over an engorged penis. As soon as your child is able to walk on two feet, you must make that sure he is taught to stand proudly in front of a private or public toilet seat, and to speak not a word, especially in response to the coy whispers of Catholic priests in the next stall.

Whenever you hve good, Godly people working hard like this to rid the world of Homsexuality's siren call, there will be those who try to bring them down. That's what's happened to Landover Baptist Church. There is nothing to fear, however, because the Geeral has taken up LBC's cause.