All hail W. Augustus

According to the popbitch.com weekly email, our boys have been blowing off a little steam at the Baghdad Zoo:

Last year after conquering Baghdad, American troops got so bored they paid the keepers of the city zoo to let them go in at night and stage animal fights. Animals were a bit thin on the ground so they scoured the markets to set up bouts - i.e. five quails versus a wolf (victory: wolf). The big wash-out was a bear versus a lion. Apparently they "just kind of looked at each other and circled round for a bit, then sat down."

Well things turned ugly last week when a foreign tiger attacked one of our defenders of freedom. His life was saved when a reaction force poured a hail of fire into the terrorist tiger's position. Animal Planet has the story:

Adel Salman Musa, the head of the zoo, said Sunday that the tiger was killed last week during an apparently drunken party between U.S. soldiers and a group of Iraqi police officers.

"One of the soldiers, who the Iraqi police said had drunk a lot, went into the cage against the advice of his colleagues and tried to feed the animal, who severely hurt his arm," he explained to AFP.

The tiger tore off one of the soldier's fingers and mauled his arm. One of the other soldiers immediately fired at the animal and killed it, he said.

I think we can all learn something from these soldiers. Animals, especially foreign animals, hate freedom. We need to get tough with them.

While staging fights between the animals is a fun way to pass the time, perhaps we should do more of human versus animal bouts. History tells us it's the only way they'll learn to respect us. Animal versus animal fights were very popular in ancient Rome, but beasts kept murdering people--even Marc Antony's girlfiend was killed by an ass with a wicked bite. It wasn't until the Romans brought the Christians into the Coliseum to face lions that they won the War on Nature. Contrary to what the secularists promote in our schools, the Christians defeated the lions in every bout they fought.

We need to bring those old ways back, and who better to do so than Our Leader. He's more than just our Commander in Chief--He's our Badass in Chief. Every time He makes a manly-sounding declaration like "Mission Accomplished" or "Bring it on," our nation's collective balls increase a ring size--I know this, because I've checked.

Now it's time for Our Leader to make the ultimate macho statement by killing a tiger with His bare hands. Such an accomplishment would not only show the animal kingdom who's boss, it would also be a tremendously effective means of demonstrating that He is not a coward in spite of what His military record might suggest--I bet John Kerry never killed a tiger with his bare hands.

Afterward, He could rightly take the name, "W. Augustus."