The filth that so permeates worldly culture has penetrated the Zion Curtain and now threatens to pollute even the most holy institution in all of Mormondom, Brigham Young University. Recently, the school newspaper ran an advertisement for a product so vile it sickened the student body to the point that no dry-humping occurred for over a week, causing many of the students to consider committing the ultimate sins of fist porking and washing machine riding.
Noticing the rise in the sales of lotion, Kleenex, laundry tokens, and Nerf footballs at the bookstore, University officials knew something was up. A short but thorough investigation yielded the culprit, an advertisement for "I can't...I'm Mormon" t-shirts. Acting quickly, BYU's Department of the Holy Inquisition commanded the paper to cease carrying the ads.
Things have now returned to normal in Zion. BYU students are again wildly dry-humping with the enthusiasm one expects from returned missionaries and aspiring baby machines. Some can even go for a full minute.