I need your skills

Phil Parlock
Patriot

Scott Robinson
Young Republican

Dear Phil and Scott,

As is my custom on even numbered days, I had lunch today at Pizza Shed. After about an hour and a half, the manager told me I had to leave because I was "abusing" the all-you-can-eat pizza and bratwurst buffet. I argued with him for awhile about the meaning of "all-you-can-eat." He claimed that it did not mean 5 lbs of bratwurst, a gallon of Dr. Pepper, and a dozen pizza slices, while I countered that it meant unlimited bratwurst, pizza, and soda pop. Eventually, he left to call the police and I decided to excuse myself.

He caught me at the door and asked me why I had stuffed a bratwurst down my pants. I denied it, claiming that it was the natural bulge all manly men like myself have in common. He replied that according to the waitress, Sheila, who is also my wife's best friend, there was no way in hell that my bulge was natural.

Well that struck me to the core. I became so angry that I started to scream and jump up and down. The bastard took advantage of this, and while nobody was looking threw three bratwursts and a pizza slice on the floor next to my feet, making it look like they had fell out of my pant leg.

I hate that Frenchman. I want to fix him good, and to do so, I need your help. I know you don't know me, but we all live by the conservative code. Part of that code is to help a fellow conservative in need.

We're holding our fall church social this Saturday. It's always a big event. Everybody in town will be there. I want Phil and his little girl to attend as my guests--we'll tell everyone that you're my cousin. Later, Scott will show up wearing a Pizza Shed uniform. He'll try to take a lollipop from Phil's little girl and when she resists, he'll kick her hard in the teeth. Pizza Shed will be bankrupt in a week.

From what I understand, you're both very good at this kind of thing. How about it? Will you help this fellow conservative get some justice.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot