Class Act

Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger
State of California

Dear Gov. Schwartzenegger,

I know it must be hard to watch a candidate you personally supported go down in flames, but I bet your big and burly man-chest swelled with pride when you heard that your boy, Dean Gardner, went down fighting. Most candidates stop campaigning after they lose by ten points, but not Gardner. He was still campaigning three days later, courageously accusing* his opponent, Nicole Parra, of driving drunk and being a homosexual.

Sure, his charges were untrue, but that doesn't matter. After four years of Our Leader's uncompromising rule, lying about political opponents is now considered to be an honorable pursuit in Christian conservative circles. His lying could even be seen as a homage to Our Leader if you think about it. While it's true that lies about DUI's and lesbianism aren't as earth shattering as tall tales about weapons of mass destruction, Gardner deserves praise for working with what little he had.

Those weren't his first lies either. At various times in the campaign, he accused Parra of voting to triple the car tax when her voting record shows no such thing and supporting gun control despite the fact that she packs heat in her own purse.

I was also very impressed with his website. At first, I was confused about the page featuring pictures of Parra, because they weren't unflattering or accompanied by negative comments. "Why," I wondered, "would a candidate post flattering pictures of his opponent on his web site." Then, the answer struck me. He wanted to alert his God-fearing racist base that Parra is Latino. It was a brilliant move done in the best traditions of Republican politics in the deep South. No wonder you were so eager to support him--he was like Super-Republican.

With all those lies, the appeal to bigotry, and your support, one wonders how the heck he lost so big. I mean these same tactics seemed to work so well for Our Leader. Perhaps the six bankruptcies, thirty-five tax liens, and seven name changes for the purpose of dodging creditors had something to do with it.

In any event, I bet you're proud that you supported such a man.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

* Username: patriotboy Password: bakersfield