Homosexual books tore at my soul like so many fashion critics

Rep. Gerald Allen
Alabama House of Representatives

Dear Rep Allen,

My life has been a living hell for the last several years. No matter what I do, I can't seem to get myself completely right with Jesus. It's not that I'm an evil person. Heck, I'm a walking advertisement for Christian living in just about every measurable way except for one--I can't stop lying down with men.

I want to make it clear to you that I am not a homosexual. It's very important to me that you understand that. I'm a manly man. A big masculine bear of a man who likes to do man things like wear leather and shoot my .357 cal. Colt Python. To me, there's no greater joy than the moment a 158 gr. semiwadcutter load explodes out of the long, hard barrel of my Python. It's one second of pure ecstasy that always leaves me spent and trembling.

Anyway, I'm 100 percent heterosexual, but for some reason, I am unable to resist the temptation to allow my little soldier to dive into the first available bunker. I just can't seem to help myself.

Last night, when I read that you were trying to ban "homosexual books," it suddenly hit me that these books were the cause of my problem. I had never thought of books as having orientations until that moment. It was like Jesus caused me to read about you so that I'd finally see the cause of my problem.

Armed with this new insight, I immediately glanced in the direction of my book case. For the first time I noticed the sultry way in which Rush Limbaugh's "The Story of H" leaned up against Bill O'Reilly's "My Big Fat Irish Falafel" and how pages from Dick Cheney's "Spy Betrayal for Dummies" lustfully intermingled with those of Ahmad Chalabi's "Brother, Can You Spare a Billion."

I knew the minute my hand automatically went for my zipper that these books, these homosexual books, were the source of my temptation. Remembering that you suggested burying such literary mistakes of nature, I gathered them up and took them outside to the ammo cache I'd started digging earlier that day in preparation for the tribulations. I then took each book and thrust it deeply and forcibly into the hole, straining with everything I had to push them further and further into that dark pit. After what seemed like hours, I was finished. Exhausted, I laid down and had a smoke.

For the first time in years, I feel free.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot