Bring back the days when "homosexuality was very queer"

Sheriff Mac Holcomb
Marshall County Alabama

Dear Sheriff Holcomb,

Like you, I'm sickened by the cultural changes I've witnessed over my lifetime. I agree that we need to return to an era when "love of God, family, and country abounded;" a time when, "men were men and women were women and there was no mistaking which was which;" and the days when, "homosexuality was very queer..."

I must disagree, however, with your claim that the "good guy always wore the white hats." That was not always the case. Take Roy Rogers for instance. My third cousin's father-in-law, Earl Bob, worked as a gaffer on his films. He says that he once saw Roy Rogers chasing John Wayne around the set. Rogers was wearing nothing but chaps and his white hat, and Wayne was buck naked and holding a finger up on either side of his head like horns, bellowing "mooooo" with each step he took. Earl Bob looked away once Rogers caught Wayne and began to hogtie him, but he said the bellowing just got louder and went on for a good twenty minutes. I think we both can guess what was going on during that time. It's fairly obvious, isn't it?

I'm thinking that inasmuch as you're a sheriff, you could do something to punish Rogers for violating the code of the white hat--that is if he's still alive. If not, you could go after all those folks who cuss and show their nipples on television. I'd be happy to help if you'd deputize me. We could get those whipping canes like they sell in Home School Digest--the one they call "The Rod." You'd be just like Sheriff Buford T. Pusser in Walking Tall except you'd be beating the sinners with your rod rather than a two-by-four. It'd be just like the old days.

Please consider it. Together, we could wield our rods with a godly vengeance and do our part to make homosexuality very queer again.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet tip to cette petite souris, Ignatz and my guide, Lafayette. And as long as you're clicking links anyway, that other Frenchman has a particularly unpatriotic take.