The General is not a homosexual

The French are at it again. First, they try to marginalize my important conservative message by giving me a Koufax Award for humor. Now, one of their newspapers, the Star Tribune, is saying I'm a homosexual:

Jesus' General[:] Political blog from the viewpoint of a gay man, with LIBERAL doses of sarcasm, irony and humor.

Long time readers know that it's not true. Sure, I earned a few bucks by allowing other men to violate every orifice in my body, but that doesn't mean I'm a homosexual. I only did it to get the experience I need to be a White House reporter.

I hate homosexuality. Fighting it is the major focus of my militia ministry. It's a huge sacrifice on my part. It forces me to think about homosexual sex every waking minute of my life. I do it so you don't have to.

I don't even look like a homosexual. I'm a big, hairy, bear of a man. Even my wife, Ofjoshua, can't escape the aura of my masculinity. It's the source of her nickname, "Beard." Every time we go into town, I hear people whispering, "there goes the Bear and his Beard." I don't know why they giggle when they say that. I suppose it's just nervousness.