The imposter's ear necklace

Kristinn Taylor
D.C. Chapter of FreeRepublic.com

Dear Mrs. Mr. Taylor,

After reading your defense of Jeff Gannon at Romenesko's Letters, it struck me that the Gannon harlotry scandal has a lot in common with the Schiavo compassionate exploitation controversy. I've outlined my ideas about this below. I'd like to hear what you think.

Over the last few weeks, the French and their fellow travelers in the media have repeatedly characterized the GOP's compassionate exploitation of Terri Shiavo as political opportunism. They cite three main pieces of evidence for this: the marketing of "the Palm Sunday Compromise" by the party in a way that would suggest that Democrats were siding against God; Rep. DeLay's speech to the Family Research Council where he blamed a vast left-wing conspiracy for both his and Schiavo's predicament; and a Senate Republican Caucus memo touting Schiavo's death watch as a fantastic political opportunity.

Patriots did not respond at first. Indeed, they acted as if they thought it might be true. Finally, after a number of polls showed them that they were getting hammered on the issue, they realized that the Senate memo must be a forgery. They pointed to passages lifted from a Mel Martinez press release as evidence, because as everyone knows, the Twelfth Commandment of Republican Politics is, "Thou shalt not share thy talking points."

While that might be good enough for people like us, the public needs something more. That's why I decided to look into it a little further.

Mr first inquiries were disappointing. ABC reported that "multiple sources" confirmed that the memo was distributed to Republican Senators on the Senate floor. I checked with my own sources, and they say that's what happened and named a name, Sen. Rick Santorum.

Undeterred by this bad news, I continued to investigate and soon hit the jackpot. An artist for the Spongebob Squarepants show told me that the Santorum who distributed the memos was an imposter. A cabal of Hollywood makeup artists was behind the subterfuge. They were trying to discredit God's party so that they could finish the homosexualization of our nation.

They were good. They matched every detail, even going so far as to have the fake Santorum escorted by an afghan hound. One of the dog's paws was dyed purple in honor of Iraq election. A corresponding purple smudge was placed on the back of the fake Santorum's shirt in the exact place one would expect the dog to place his paw when mounting. These Tinseltown terrorists left nothing to chance.

A few days later, their attention to detail manifested itself once again when the fake Tom DeLay made his speech to the Family Research Council. From what I understand, the phony DeLay's necklace of human ears was indistinguishable from the one Rep. DeLay wears to parties.

This is where I think the compassionate exploitation of Schiavo's death watch and the Gannon harlotry scandal are similar. You see, I don't believe that Gannon peddled his ass on the internet. I think it was an imposter. It's the "8 inch" claim that tipped me off. No true conservative would write something like that. We know that such a humongously sized little soldier is a myth spread by feminists in an attempt to make men feel inadequate. A real conservative would have bragged about having three inches. That's what we'd considered to be huge. We're not afraid to admit that, because unlike the French, we deal in fact.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot