Celibate in Cellblock C

Rep. Tom Delay
United States House of Representatives

Dear Rep. DeLay,

I don't know how closely you watch the California Legislature, but an important battle over moral values is underway there now. Wicked, French-minded legislators have introduced a bill that would provide condoms to convicts. A single man of God, Benjamin Lopez of The Traditional Values Coalition, stands between them and rampant prison immorality. He argues that such a program would lead to a rampage of rogering so furious it'll prompt Jeff Gannon to apply for a California Penal System contract.

You need to do something about it. I know that it's a state issue, but that didn't stop you and your party from attempting to intervene in the Schiavo, 2000 election, Oregon euthanasia, and Massachusetts homosexual marriage issues.

More importantly, you have a personal stake in this. I suspect that discouraging sex in our prisons is becoming a very important issue to you--one that grows in importance more each day. Who knows how long it will be before you're caucusing with the Aryan Brotherhood.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot