Dear Mr. Kelly,
I see that you've finally gotten the message. You understand that we control the government and that the seditious liberal "journalism," so valued by the French, will no longer be tolerated. That's why you chose Ann Coulter to grace the cover of your current edition.
The cover would have been enough for most magazines, but you're Time Magazine--you have a tradition of achievement that must be maintained. If you're going to be a sycophant to the powerful, you're going to do it better than anyone else. That's why you raided Tiger Beat's talent pool to hire the perfect writer to author your tribute to Miss Coulter. It's a masterpiece in the art of puffery. A piece so devoid of truth, an antiquated liberal value, it honors Miss Coulter's contribution to public discourse by its very mendacity.
Unfortunately for you, your attempt to curry favor will not succeed. It only demonstrates your ignorance of the current state of American conservatism. Miss Coulter is so pre-Schiavo. We're long past her angry, incendiary rhetoric. We've moved onto worshipping men of action, true Christian warriors like Tom DeLay and James Dobson who are ready to lead us into battle against the black-robed demons who sit on our courts. It's with them, the conservative heart now resides, not with the blond, smirking, brown people hating, adams appled bombshell of our youth.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot