Clothing the naked snowflakes

Tony Perkins
Family Research Council

Dear Mr. Perkins,

Thanks for the email about Our Leader's love for snowflake Embryo-Americans. The timing was eerie. I received it just moments after I had read the transcript of a White House gaggle where the Minister of Truth answered questions about the same thing.

One of the things I learned from the gaggle is that there are 400,000 to 500,000 frozen Embryo Americans available for adoption. That's a heck of a lot of snowflakes. It's going to be hard to find families for them all.

I'm sure that you've already adopted a passel of them. I adopted one, but little Buford was called back to the Lord in less than a week. I didn't know that you should wait a few years before you try to play catch with them.

I think that one of the reasons people are so reticent to adopt these tiny citizens is because they're not very cute. It's hard to bond with a blob of protoplasm. We need to do something about that if we're serious about finding families for them.

We can make them more attractive to good, conservative, Christian families by dressing them up in little NASCAR sportswear. Think about it. With the introduction of different styles for every driver, it could be bigger than Beanie Babies. Some families would adopt dozens of Embryo-Americans so that they could collect every jacket. Others might adopt twenty or thirty in the hope of getting a rare Dale Ernhardt Jr. truckers cap.

There'd be an added side benefit as well. The clothing would finally provide the little frozen bastards with a bit of protection against the cold.

Of course, eventually we'd end up with a few snowflakes who'd be impossible to place with any god-fearing red state family, but we could always donate them to a zoo like the one they're opening in Germany.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot