Is that a bugle in your pants

Laura Bush
First Lady of the United States

Your Ladyship,

Like you, I cherish human life in all its forms. It does not matter if it is a fetus, a baby, or a brain damaged adult who possesses the cognitive ability of a bowl of chili. I love them all the same, even your brother-in-law, Neil.

Spermatozoan-Americans are the most neglected of our citizens. Every day, billions are left to die in tube sock deserts across this great nation. Nobody cares about this holocaust. It's never mentioned in the news or even in conversation.

Something needs to be done to end the slaughter. That's why I've raised an army of spermatozoan-Americans. I keep them in mason jars in my cellar where it's cool. My hope is that I can train these littlest Americans to seek out those wicked men who spill their seed and smite them.

They'll need some form of transportation to do this. The distances involved are great in relation to the spermatozoan-American's size. At first, I planned to provide them with tiny automobiles. This idea had the added benefit of providing them with the means of running over their enemy--you know how effective that is--but I found it impossible to build a car that small.

I was at a loss as to how to solve this problem until I heard what you said at the correspondents dinner. Your story about how your husband likes to "milk" the stallions on your ranch gave me an idea. Perhaps, he could harvest enough horse spermatazoa to equip a spermatozoan-American cavalry.

What do you think? Can he spare any? Is he using it for something else?

Please get back to me as soon as possible. Millions more die in this holocaust every minute we delay.

Heterosexually* yours,

General JC Christian, patriot

*I'm not hitting on you, your Ladyship. I only close with the words "heterosexually yours" so that it is understood that I'm not a homosexual. It's very important to me that people understand that. I don't want there to be any question about my orientation.