Wrestling with demons: will Lott submit to Dobson?

Pastor Joe Braucht
Destiny Christian Center

Dear Pastor Joe,

Like you, I'm a big fan of the sport of wrestling. It's the one true sport of the warrior class, a contest with a long tradition that can be traced back to ancient Sparta, where men wrestled each other unclothed--a tradition my men and I continue today. I'm glad to see that you've turned it into a way to worship our Lord and Savior.

As you well know, a special relationship is formed when a man takes hold of another man and forces him to submit to his will. Their testosterone laden sweat mixes and takes on a powerful aphrodisiac-like quality that drives the libido into a frenzied state. It's not a sexual thing--that's impossible because it involves two or more men--rather, it's a kind of patriarchal hyper-bonding, a fraternal act of respect expressed through frantic crotch grinding.

Looking at the pictures of you dressed in the tiger-striped leotards of your "Brutus Beefcake" costume, it occurred to me that wrestling could be more than just a way for men to bond with each other. It could also be a test of a man's character--you learn a lot about a man when his hand is latched onto your grenades.

Perhaps wrestling could be employed to answer the questions Dr. Dobson recently raised about Sen. Lott when he declared that the senator isn't a true conservative. The match could be held at your church's ring.

It would be great. I can almost see it now. Dr. Dobson, "Jesus' Jackhammer," dressed in a tight, white leotard, a big golden cross engulfed in flames blazing across his chest, and a tiny fig leaf outlining his bulge of righteous manhood, facing Sen. Lott, "Dr. Death-Hair," in the red long-johns of his people trimmed with the braided haircuttings of his 14th Amendment citizen servants.

Will the senator submit to Dr. Dobson's Rod of Loving Correction or will Senator Lott beat Jesus' Jackhammer like a runaway servant? We'll never know unless you make it happen.

Heterosexually Yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Cookie finds other ways to worship our Lord.