The Bug Man of Baghdad

Rep. Tom Delay
US House of Representatives

Dear Leader DeLay,

Things have not been going well for you lately. If by some miracle you avoid prison, it's still very unlikely that you'll remain in Congress for much longer. You need to do something bold to turn your fortunes around.

Your desire to serve our nation in combat is well known. It's a shame that you were denied that opportunity during Vietnam because greedy brown people took all of the slots. You're too old to serve now under current rules, but you're the Hammer; you have the power to change that.

I'm not suggesting that you pass legislation to raise the enlistment age to sixty--you wouldn't want all the soldiers calling you pops and dragging you out of firefights. Instead, I think you ought to use your position to create something uniquely tailored to your past life as a pest control man. You could be the Exterminator General for Iraq.

Think about it. There are a lot of nasty critters there. You could drive around from base to base in a special humvee killing vermin. You could even wear your kills on a necklace to show everyone that you're a killing machine. It would be just like Apocalypse Now except with bugs.

The troops would love you for it. They'd gather around to hear your extermination stories and buy you beer. It would be great for morale and you'd be making a personal contribution to a war that you've so enthusiastically sent so many of our children to fight.

Voters will have forgotten about your current problems by the time you return. They'll think of you as a hero, the Bug Man of Baghdad. You'll be back in charge of Congress in no time.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot