The cremation of the cloth

Rep. Duke Cunningham
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Cunningham,

I suspect that there will be those who will attack you for your remarks during the debate over the flag burning amendment. They'll point to your statement that the 9/11 dead would want the amendment passed and accuse you of cynically exploiting the victims of that tragedy for your own political gain. I say to hell with your detractors. They don't understand that a red, white, and blue piece of fabric could be so important that even the most despicable acts are acceptable when they're employed in its defense.

Respect for Old Glory is waning these days. People no longer see it as a sacred object. They no longer deem it worthy of worship. I think you can help me change that.

We hold a flag retirement ceremony every year. We conduct it according to the rules of the Tennessee Boy Scout Ceremony. It's a very beautiful, yet manly, ritual. Unfortunately, it's getting harder each year to find someone to serve as the Cremator of the Cloth, the most important official in the ceremony. After being presented with the flag, he cuts the stars and stripes out of it using the Revered Scissors of Glory. Then he burns each stripe while reciting it's meaning. That's followed by the burning of each star and finally, the blue field. After our bugler blows Taps, we end the ceremony by giving the Cremator of the Cloth a severe beating for cutting up and burning the flag. Then, we all head out for beer.

This year, I'd like to televise the ceremony so that a broader audience could experience it. I need you to get C-SPAN or Fox News to broadcast it. We'd also be honored if you'd serve as our Cremator of the Cloth.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot