The moistened lips of victory

Nathan Taylor
Chairman, Young Republicans National Committee

Dear Mr. Taylor,

I was shocked by the news that dangerous leftists are planning to infiltrate your convention and attack your veterans exhibit. Kudos to you for discovering their despicable plot. Lesser men might have missed their clues, but not you. You took the initiative and read the details of their plans in the emails they sent you. It's the kind of detective work one expects from great investigators like Norm Coleman and Ed Klein, not from a Young Republicans chair. You've proven yourself to be their peer.

Now it's time for you to twist the knife into their twisted, black, French hearts. Over the last few weeks, many of my fellow patriots have sent you emails asking that you urge your membership to answer their nation's call and join the military. You should post these messages along with those sent by the veteran-hating bastards. Not only would it illustrate the difference between patriots and America-haters, it would also counter claims that you're flat-out lying.

You should also do more to publicize your contributions to the war effort. Unlike your brother organization, the College Republicans, who are doing nothing, you're making a real sacrifice. The nation needs to hear about it. They need to be told how you are risking your lips to the dry summer heat because you're sending your Chapstick to Iraq. Personally, I think your lip balm may even tip the balance in Iraq. The insurgency will crumble once it sees that American technology is so superior that it provides our lips with the means to escape the ravages of the desert sun. It'll thoroughly demoralize them.

Beyond the obvious military advantages of sending Chapstick, it's also a brilliant political move. I'm sure it'll blunt the criticism that you're receiving for refusing to enlist when our military is facing a manpower crisis.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot