No rules against mules

Rev. John Smid
Executive Director and Former Homosexual
Love in Action International

Dear Rev. Smid,

I, too, operate an anti-homosexual ministry. It's a rewarding, but very difficult, way of life. Satan tempts us more than he does the average man. He knows that if he can bring us down, much of our flock will follow. That's why our eyes are constantly drawn to the manly bulges of the good and bad men we meet in our daily endeavors; it's why we often find ourselves in a darkened room where liquor is sold, sharing a drink with a man in a sailor suit; it's why we dress in leather and wear nipple rings in our weakest moments; and it's why we must make that bi-weekly journey to the man with a spatula who offers redemption through punishment for a mere fifty bucks.

I understand what you're trying to do, and I think I can help. I recently came across your Refuge program's list of rules. It's a pretty good list, but a little tweaking will make it even better.

I've quoted a few of your rules, below. Each is followed by my suggestions for improvement and/or implementation.

The clients may not wear Abercrombie and Fitch or Calvin Klein brand clothing, undergarments, or accessories.

Great rule, but wouldn't it be even better if you made all the men wear Osh Kosh overalls and the women, muu muus? After all, traditional clothing promotes traditional thinking. And lets not forget the mules. The young men will need some kind of release during their stay. They will be less likely to startle the mules if they're wearing overalls.

LIA wants to encourage each client, male and female, by affirming his/her gender identity. LIA also wants each client to pursue integrity in all of his/her actions and appearances. Therefore, any belongings, appearances, clothing, actions, or humor that might connect a client to an inappropriate past are excluded from the program. These hindrances are called False Images (FI¹s). FI behavior may include hyper-masculinity, seductive clothing, mannish/boyish attire (on women), excessive jewelry (on men), mascoting, and "campy" or gay/lesbian behavior and talk.

Take it from a man who's a ten on the manly scale of absolute gender; there's nothing wrong with hyper-masculinity. Haven't you ever been to one of those bars where all the men dress like bikers but none of them own a bike? You won't find a more masculine group of men anywhere. They all look like G Gordon Liddy and John Bolton.

As non-residential clients, Refuge participants must submit to an F.I. search every morning. With the exception of the very first program day, when they may arrive no later than 9:00 a.m., Refuge clients will arrive daily at the Love in Action campus no later than 8:50 a.m., waiting in a designated area until a staff member meets them to perform the F.I. search and check them in. Refuge clients may not enter any of the client spaces on campus before submitting to an F.I. search. All belongings brought to campus will be searched, including book bags, notebooks, wallets, handbags, purses, etc. Items that violate the F.I. policy or the dress code will be held for the client, to be returned no later than the client¹s last day in program. Clients may request to have their F.I. items returned by filling out a C.O.C.

Have you thought about tasering any of the clients you catch with FI? Florida law enforcement officials have found that the taser is a great tool for persuading people to obey silmple orders like a command to end a cell phone call.

All new Refuge clients will be placed into Safekeeping for the initial two to three days of their program. A client on safekeeping may not communicate verbally, or by using hand gestures or eye contact, with any other clients, staff members, or his/her parents or guardians. In case of a practical need, Safekeeping clients may write down their question or request and show it to another client, staff member, or their parent or guardian. Writing may only be used when absolutely necessary.

I like this one. Add a taser and you have a behavioral change technique no white American has seen since the capture of the USS Pueblo.

No television viewing, going to movies, or reading/watching/listening to secular media of any kind, anywhere within the client¹s and the parent¹s/guardian¹s control. This includes listening to classical or instrumental music that is not expressly Christian (Beethoven, Bach, etc. are not considered Christian).

Surely, Wagner's OK.

Refuge clients are allowed a one-time 15-minute maximum closed bathroom door time for shower/grooming purposes. The only other closed-door alone time allowed is for using the restroom.

That's way too much time. I could have carnal relations with the toilet paper dispenser seven times in fifteen minutes and that includes a cigarette in between each round of rogering. I suggest 10 seconds, tops.

Please give my ideas a try. I'd be glad to come down and do a bit of consulting if it'd help.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A tip of the ole helmet to Jesus' own Miss Poppy Dixon for the lead.