A sinister plot

The Four Horsemen
Spokane Young Republicans

Dear Horsemen,

I think I may have stumbled across a sinister plot to destroy our nation's military effectiveness. It seems that nearly every time I ask a College Republican, a Protest Warrior, or a Young Republican to step up and volunteer to serve in Iraq, I'm told that they can't because they have an injury. Take the fine young Protest Warriors from Pass the Ammo for example. Three of the four have back or shoulder injuries that prevent them from serving. Chad's case is particularly sad. Apparently, he can only run in slow motion while shooting his AR-15.

I'm beginning to think that the French are surreptitiously injuring the backs of service age patriots throughout the country. They're probably using soccer to accomplish this. It's a very seditious, euro-centric game. The communists imported it after they grew tired of waiting for fluoridated water to weaken us. I'm working very hard to have soccer added to the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution's list of things we must destroy.

I need more data to do this. Could you tell me why you remain at home, eating Cheetos in your mother's basements while other's fight the war you so whole-heartedly demanded? Have you injured your backs playing soccer? Do you drink an inordinate amount of fluoridated water?

Please respond soon. We need to get to the bottom of this.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot