They Shall Take Up Serpents

Pastor Doug Abner
Community Church Lifeline Ministries

Dear Pastor Abner,

I just finished reading an article about the fine work Judge Michael Caperton is doing down there in Clay County. By giving drunks a choice between jail and church, he's doing his part to bring strays back into the flock.

That said, I have to wonder what happens once they get there. Doesn't it cause problems? Aren't the other worshipers inconvenienced by drunks passing out in the aisles and peeing in the corners?

A second article notes that you offer a faith based rehabilitation service in Clay County, but it doesn't say how or if your program is connected to what Judge Caperton is doing. Are you involved in the Judge's project?

I'm a huge fan of faith-based rehab programs. As a matter of fact, I'm trying to get a grant for one, myself, but it's tough. You send a couple of faith lackers to the hospital and all of a sudden there's no more grant money to give out this year. One guy went so far as to tell me that maybe I should use non-poisonous serpents in my worship treatments. Can you believe that? That's what all this secularism has done to this country. How can you run a truly Christian-based rehab clinic without strychnine and rattlesnakes?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot