Dean of Corn

Joe Braun
Campaign Manager, Jean Schmidt for Congress

Dear Mr. Braun,

The internets are full of rumors about you being one of those men who likes to spank people. If that's the case, I hope you can answer a few questions for me.

You see, every now and then, I'll go into a store to buy some cream for these rashes I get (my wife, Ofjoshua, usually does the shopping, but buying this kind of rash medicine is a man's job). Anyway, I'll be in the store and I'll notice the cucumbers when I'm passing through the vegetable section. That gets me to thinking wicked thoughts, and before I know it, I'm waking up pantless and sticky in one of those bars where everyone dresses up like bikers but nobody drives a motorcycle.

Whenever this happens, I head straight to Seattle to see a man who spanks other men for money. Being a Christian man, I'm a big believer in corporal punishment--spare the rod and all that. It's the way I get right with the Lord.

Well, Master Gunther--that's what he likes people to call him--has been trying to convince me to allow him to use a "single-tail whip." I've resisted up until now, because I'm very happy with his Terrible Spatula of Redemption. It seems to do the job of getting me right with the Lord just fine. That said, I'm always willing to try out new technology.

These rumors on the internets suggest that you're a virtuoso with a single-tail whip. Is that true? If so, would you recommend it over a terrible spatula of redemption? What are the advantages and disadvantages of using either of these instruments?

I know you're busy working on Jean Schmidt's campaign right now. Her election is more important than my question--we need her in DC fighting to protect family values--but your email name, deanofcorn, is making me think about things that I shouldn't think about. I'll probably be making a trip to Seattle soon, so I'm eager hear what you have to say.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot