The Helpful Hebrews of Hollow Earth

Rodney Cluff
Author and Explorer

Dear Elder Cluff,

Some of the most cherished memories of my Mormon childhood are the hours our family spent wondering how long it would be before the Ten Lost Tribes of Israel emerged from their homes inside our hollow Earth. That's why I've so eagerly awaited the return of your expedition to locate this inner Eden's entrance at the North Pole.

You've been back three days now. Did you find anything? Did you make contact with King David, "the Great High Priest over all the land of Inner Earth?" Were you able to set up a reliable means of communication with the Hollow Earth people?

I ask this because our nation faces a grave threat. We are in a life and death struggle with modern-day Gadianton Robbers who are bent on destroying us because they hate our freedom.

They are a very crafty enemy. They lured us into invading their country at a time when our most ardent patriots were too busy attending school and pursuing careers to join in the fight. Now, our military is suffering from a manpower crisis.

We need King David's help. He can fill the ranks of our military with the sons of tribes of Israel, thus negating the need for our own God-fearing, patriotic children to take a break from college and careers. Imagine if you will what a brigade of warriors from the Tribe of Zebulon could accomplish in the Sunni Triangle. They are some mean mothers. The war would be over in a week.

Please give King David a call and ask him if he's willing to help. We need an answer right away.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot