A little campaign advice

Ohio State Rep. Jean Schmidt
Candidate, US House of Representatives (OH-02)

Dear Rep. Schmidt,

The August 2nd special election is almost upon us, and I'm worried that you're losing momentum. Coingate has taken a toll on the state Republican party as a whole. Most Ohioans just aren't economically sophisticated enough to understand that our political leaders deserve gratuities for steering state monies into the lucrative rare coin and collectibles market. They also have a difficult time understanding that your acceptance of gifts from the drug company, Chiron Inc, was nothing more than an expression of your commitment to being "business friendly".

On the other hand, it's very easy for the average voter to be impressed by your opponent's biography. After all, on the same day you were being wined and dined by Chiron, your challenger, Major Paul Hackett, was dodging bullets in Fallujah. This gives him quite an advantage in the election--serving in combat is just a lot more sexy than serving a pharmaceutical company's stockholders.

You need to do something to offset this imbalance in your respective national service credentials. I suggest that you immediately release a television ad defending Our Leader's right to betray the identities of intelligence agents in the pursuit of political objectives. By doing so, you'll be joining our nation's greatest Republican politicians and commentators, people like Rush Limbaugh, John Gibson, and Sen. Norm Coleman, in defending this important presidential prerogative. More importantly, it'll provide you with another opportunity to identify yourself with Our Leader, a man whose almost stratospheric 42% approval rating would certainly provide your campaign with a needed boost.

Please give my idea your immediate consideration. I'd be very happy to help you write the spot.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot