Real men don't sing like girls

Kerry Taylor
President, Texas Music Educators Assn.

Dear Mr. Taylor,

Mikhael Rawls--the son of a man who should be severely beaten for bestowing such a French name upon the fruit of his loins--may be angry with you now, but he'll certainly thank you in the future. By refusing to allow him to perform as a countertenor, you've spared him the hell of experiencing a life destroyed by gender confusion. He's now free to grow up to do the things real men do, things like growing a mullett, spitting tobacco, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, watching NASCAR, and punching other men in the shoulder.

Hopefully, your rules about proper gender roles in music extend beyond song. No American boy should be allowed to play such a dainty and highly-pitched instrument as a piccolo. Come to think of it, no girl should be aloud to play it either--a ladies lips should not be placed so closely to a long cylindrical object.

I guess we can rule out the clarinet for the same reason. That goes double for boys. They shouldn't be putting their mouths on clarinets and blowing until the evil thing squeals. It's damned unnatural.

Heck, it's all the woodwinds if you think about it, even the bassoon. Sure, it has a deep sound, but still, you end up with young men fingering a big old tubular thing. Brass, with the exception of the french horn, would be alright for boys, but not girls because of the spit. Percussion, again, is for boys with the exception of the xylophone family. They're definitely female instruments, although, I suppose a marimba could be an acceptable instrument for a boy if he played it with a claw hammer.

There's a lot more to this whole gender-based music thing that I thought. Thank God we have men like you around to straighten it out.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to reader DancingBare