The beta winger's lament

Alan Lipton
Co-Founder, Protest Warriors

Dear Mr. Lipton,

I was very disappointed to learn that the Protest Warriors got their asses kicked by Move America Forward, yesterday. That's not good, but it could be worse. What if Move America Forward had been a liberal group rather than a conservative one? We wouldn't be able to show our faces at a conservative function ever again.

That said, there are real life consequences we must pay for this defeat. From now on, whenever we attend a movement rally, we'll have to wait for the Move America Forward People to gorge themselves on Cheetos and Ho Hos before we're allowed to fill our own plates, and God knows we'll never be able to score good seats if the Osmond Brothers ever reunite and go on tour.

Our defeat will certainly cause upheaval in conservative circles. Conservatives groups everywhere will be beating the hell out of each other in order to establish their place in the new pecking order. We need to claim our niche early by taking on a formidable, but beatable, adversary.

I say we target the Homemakers for America. I'm pretty sure we can take them--they fight like girls (it's required by their charter). Sure, it won't give us as high a status as we'd achieve by defeating the Concerned Women For America, but we have to pick an opponent we can beat--Beverly LaHaye could stomp a whole division of Protest warriors by herself. It's safer to challenge the homemakers.

Please give my plan your consideration. I await your orders.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A hemet tip to Crooks and Liars