Cleaning up Santorum

Sen. Rick Santorum
United States Senate

Dear Sen. Santorum,

Your staff made you look like an absolute fool when they failed to find a single quote supporting your assertion that you raised questions about the wisdom of launching the Mesopotamian Phase of the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People. We need to do something to change the direction this story line has taken. I think I know how to do that.

In the next week or so, we need to generate at least three stories detailing specific disagreements you have about the conduct of certain aspects of our glorious crusade. Of course, we will avoid any criticism of Our Leader--that would be treasonous. Instead, we'll target our criticism in a way that'll satisfy our critics without risking the wrath of Mr. Rove, thus avoiding the embarrassment of a Robert Novak column about one of your children's bedwetting problem.

Each story will be based on a statement you will make. You should start out with something like this:

We're not doing enough to ensure that our values are included in the Iraqi constitution. For instance, there is no language requiring that burkas be designed so that there is no chance that men will be tempted by women wearing sluttish veils.

Once coverage of that statement begins to tail off, you issue a new one:

We need to reevaluate our interrogation policy. The guards at Abu Ghraib placed condoms on their glow sticks. We must ensure that such an implicit endorsement of contraception is not allowed to occur again.

And finally, after coverage of that quote winds down, you can go with something like this:

Pat Robertson has some great ideas for murdering people to advance free market goals. It's time to let missionaries do what our military can't seem to accomplish. We'll win this war with faith-based assassination programs.

That should end this controversy. If it doesn't we'll get together and wordsmith a couple of new statements.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot