Katherine's makeup secrets

Rep. Katherine Harris
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Harris,

Your allegation that newspapers photoshopped makeup onto your picture surprised me. I just assumed that your electric blue eyelids, crimson cheeks, and blood red lips were somehow related to all that magical Kabbalah water you convinced the State of Florida to buy to combat citris canker.

Spiritual substances like that can have a strange affect on people. My mother acquired her back hair after drinking a quart of Uncle Elmer's sacred corn mash. She says it was worth it because she was flea free for the rest of her life. I'm not so sure I agree, considering her constant battle against mange.

Do you think that newspapers are also responsible for touching up John Bolton's pictures? Until now, I thought he intentionally wore a miscolored wig in the hopes that someone would make a joke about it. That'd give him an excuse to eat the offender's liver. What do you think?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot