An umlaut short of glory

Doug Hänks
Proud White Republican

Dear Mr. Hänks

I was disappointed to hear that you've dropped out of the Charlotte City Council race. Four thousand posts to Stormfront.org and other like forums shouldn't disqualify anyone from campaigning for office, especially a Republican running in the Heartland. Rather than acting as if you're ashamed of your commitment to traditional Heartland values, perhaps you should have made them a central feature of your campaign. After all, isn't that what the Southern Strategy is all about? If it worked for every Republican president since Nixon, surely it would have worked for you.

For instance, I noticed that you put an umlaut over the letter "a" in your name at your Patriot Publications web site and at the Nationalist Party site where your book, Patriot Act, is excerpted, but you failed to do the same at your campaign site. That was a mistake. It would have complemented the work you're doing preserving our Confederate heritage. Without the umlaut, some might have been assumed that you defend the flying of Stars and Bars because you're a believer in states rights rather than slavery.

Well, I guess you have some time on your hands now. Have you considered becoming more involved in the defense of Blastocyst-Americans? The thing you might find appealing about Blastocyst-Americans is that they are all white.

The National Association for the Advancement of Preborn Children is suing the University of California, San Diego on the behalf of Blastocyst-American named Mary Doe, who is currently freezing her trophoblast off in a fertility clinic somewhere in The Golden State. More needs to be done.

I'm thinking that you could become the new John Brown White. I've developed a very tiny assault rifle that I believe could be used by Blastocyst-Americans. I need you to conduct a raid on a stem cell research facility, free the little aryans, and then train and arm them for future raids against even bigger labs. By doing so, we can eventually build a true army of Blastocyst-Americans. Once they've emancipated themselves, they can help us free white men from the oppression of multi-culturalism and feminism.

It's a good plan. Can I count on your help?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot