The buzz of freedom

Bill O'Reilly
The O'Reilly Factor

Dear Mr. O'Reilly,

You must have missed Neil Cavuto's recent interview with WWII veteran Tom Mahoney. If you had seen it, I'm sure you would have already done everything in your power to destroy the old soldier--just like you tried to do to Cindy Sheehan.

You need to watch it. Not only did he ridicule Our Leader's assertion that the Iraq Phase of Our Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People is every bit as important a struggle as WWII, he was also critical of people like Our Leader, Sec. Rumsfeld, and Deputy Leader Dick, who eagerly send others into battle, but boldly and resolutely avoided service when their country called them to fight in the Vietnam Phase of Our Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People.

You can't let him get away with that. You could be next. What if he started complaining that the combat experience you acquired in the Buenos Aries Hilton's bar can't be compared to that gained by those who fought at Guadalcanal?

As far as I know, Mahoney doesn't have relatives in the CIA we could expose, so we'll have to destroy him another way. I say you get him on the show, and then just before you come back from break, show him that thing you do with your penis-shaped vibrator. He'll freak out just like Andrea Makris did when you used it while talking to her on the phone. The viewers will see that when you come back from the commercials and think he's nuts. He'll lose his credibility.

Please consider it. I'm sure it will work. If it doesn't, you'll at least enjoy it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot