She's like Ann Coulter without the values

Jillian Bandes
Coulter Center for Applied Bigotry

Dear Miss Bandes,

I don't usually read college newspapers. There are just too many things I don't understand in them. That frightens me and therefore causes me to burn the newspaper. That's usually not enough, so I end up going out and taunting a brown person or an effeminate male until I feel better. It's the reaction most of us here in the Heartland have when we're confronted with things we don't understand.

Someone sent me a link to your article in the Daily Tar Heel, and surprisingly enough, I understood it (thank God for that--I can't afford to burn my computer). Unlike most columnists, you don't dance around your hated of swarthy people. You come right out and write things like this:

I want all Arabs to be stripped naked and cavity-searched if they get within 100 yards of an airport.

[...]

When asked if she had a boyfriend, Ann Coulter once said that any time she had a need for physical intimacy, she would simply walk through an airportÃ?’s security checkpoint.

I want Arabs to get sexed up like nothing else.

I couldn't agree more. I've felt that way ever since I saw my first Abu Gharib human pyramid. But it might be difficult to sell it to those who don't value humiliating brown people as much as we do.

We need to show them that getting your orifices probed for no reason other than your DNA is no big deal. I think you're the perfect person to do that. You represent Our Leader's ideal woman--you're white, blonde, and unemployed. If you'll happily consent to having someone shove their fingers up your various cavities, then the defenders of the not-really-American swarthy people will have no reason to complain.

For the maximum amount of exposure, I think you should do it during half-time on the 50 yard line at every Tar Heels game. We could get even more coverage by inviting celebrities like John Bolton and Michelle Malkin to conduct the examinations. Bolton would have to be last, because I'm sure that once he's shoved his hand up a person's ass, there'd be no stopping him--he'd take a shiv to all the subsequent celebrities if they didn't allow him to replace them. The sight of all that blood might make you uncomfortable and thus defeat the purpose of these public examinations.

Well, what do you think? Are you ready to serve your country in this way?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

P.S. I bet your article made Cliff May proud that he selected you to be a fellow at the Foundation for the Defense of Democracies. We could ask him to be a celebrity prober if you'd like.

Update: Miss Bandes blames ignorant readers. I hope someone from Our Leader's staff is tracking this. They could use someone like her.