Beating brown people for freedom

Theodore Reynolds
George Mason Police Department

Dear Officer Reynolds,

It's a tragedy that some of our greatest heroes in the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People never get the recognition they deserve. Take you for instance. You'll never receive a medal for beating Tariq Khan, the George Mason University student you arrested for peacefully protesting military recruitment on campus. Action on the domestic front is not considered worthy of commendation. That's a shame, because repressing dissent is a critical part of Our Leader's plan to promote freedom.

I was particularly impressed by your ability to discern Khan's terrorist intentions by simply looking at the color of his skin. Perhaps that's something you learned from being a dark brown man yourself. After all, you've experienced the way some white people look at you and instantly decide that you're about to rob or rape them. Maybe you picked up this skill from them.

In any event, you'll never get the recognition you deserve as long as you're attached to a domestic police unit. That's why I think you should sign-up for duty in Iraq. There are plenty of brown people to beat up over there. And if you can get yourself assigned to prison duty, they'll let you torture and rape whole families of brown people. I bet you'd enjoy that.

I hope you'll think about it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot