Osama and me

Michael Chertoff
Department of Homeland Security

Dear Sec. Chertoff,

I suspect that yesterday's subway alert was the first of many terrorist alerts we'll see over the next few weeks. Some will claim that these alerts are without substance, that we're simply issuing them to draw attention away from Patrick Fitzgerald's pending indictments of Karl Rove and Scooter Libby and the naming of "one or more very high level unindicted co-conspirators."

We know better. Bin Laden sees this as an opportunity to strike while our attention is diverted elsewhere. That shouldn't surprise us. He tried to do the same thing during the runup to the presidential election. Thank God we were able to thwart him by exposing his plots whenever Our Leader fell behind in the polls.

Bin Laden isn't stupid (after all, he's been able to avoid capture since 9/11 by cleverly disposing of his nail clippers before entering airports). He knows that it was our patriot pundits who kept us vigilant by scaring the hell out of us with tales of impending doom. Certainly, he understands that he has to neutralize them if he is to succeed this time.

Luckily, I stumbled onto one of his attempts do do just that. An email address I use, kill_them_all@yahoo.com looks a lot like the email address used by one of his dozens of number 3 men, kill_them_allah@yahoo.com. Bin Laden must have had them both in his address book and accidentally mixed them up (I always suspected that he was the guy who called himself "masculinist69" in alt.mens.rights--he was constantly writing me about his latest fatwas against the Spice Girls).

Anyway, here's the email he accidentally sent me:

From: "Osama"
To: kill_them_all@yahoo.com
Subject: Neutralizing the infidels' propaganda apparatus
Date: Wed, 25 Sep 2005 20:16:58

Dear Number 3 man #57,

Before we launch our next series of "unspecified attacks against unspecified targets," it is imperative that we first neutralize those in the infidel media who disrupted our many operations to carry out an unspecified attack against an unspecified target during the last presidential campaign.

We need to do it subtly--subtlety has become our signature since we started doing unspecified attacks against unspecified targets. We can't abandon it now.

That's why I've decided to send them emails personally designed to feed on their most secret fears. They'll be so shaken after reading the emails, they won't be able to concentrate on their fear-mongering, and we'll be able to carry out unspecified attacks against unspecified targets at will.

Here is the first batch of emails I want you to send.

To Bill O'Reilly:
I've been watching you, and I know that you're secretly tormented by your attraction to men. Embrace your feelings. Cut the macho act and join the team. It will free you.

To Rush Limbaugh:
Afghanistan's poppy crop has been completely destroyed by swarms of giant junkie locusts.

To Michelle Malkin:
You're not fooling anyone. You're brown. It's obvious to everyone.

To John Bolton:
Being an asshole doesn't prevent anyone from making jokes about your toupee.

To Andrew Sullivan:
There really isn't a big demand for unprotected sex with a fat hairy guy.

To Bill Bennett:
The only way you're going to end the outrage over your recent remarks is to publicly apologize to a prominent black man. That means that you'll have to shake his hand.

To Sean Hannity:
The President gets a kick out of how your leg twitches when he scratches your belly.

To Daryn Kagan:
Open your eyes the next time you're with him and you'll understand why the very thought of such a coupling induces projectile vomiting in normal people.

Send me a note when your ready for another batch,

Allahu Akbar,

Sommy

I hope this information helps. I'll let you know if he sends me another email.

Hetersexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot