Osama loves a polished cannon

Steve Arterburn
New Life Ministries

Dear Mr. Arterburn,

No doubt your "Every Soldier's Battle" kits are helping us to win the war. God knows there's nothing meaner than a soldier whose cannon needs polishing--the enemy is most certainly feeling the effects of all that pent up frustration. That said, I think the kits could do even more.

Many of our troops continue to go into battle without the armor they need for protection. It's a sacrifice they willingly make to ensure that Our Leader's friends and supporters have the opportunity to spend their inheritances on plastic surgery and summer homes rather than taxes.

Although such sacrifice builds character, I don't think it's necessary. You could solve the armor problem by simply adding a roll of duct tape to each kit. The soldiers could then use the kits as a kind of makeshift armor by taping them to their bodies and humvees. It probably wouldn't actually stop bullets or shrapnel, but it might lessen their impact, and it would certainly absorb some of the shock of an explosion.

More importantly, you'll sell more kits. One kit is enough to keep a soldier from firing his little howitzer, but they'll need at least eight for body armor and a hundred to outfit a humvee. That and the extra ten bucks you can add to each kit by enclosing the tape and marketing them as field expedient armor will provide you with plenty of extra cash for plastic surgery and summer homes.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Monkeyfister.