Transgender Trooper Repulsed at the Border

Robert C. Bonner
Commissioner, U.S. Customs and Border Protection
Department of Homeland Security

Dear Commissioner Bonner,

Yesterday, I attended a workshop called "collaboration with diverse and marginalized communities." I wasn't exactly sure what that meant, but they had candy on the tables, so I went in.

The workshop was supposed to be led by a couple of Canadians. I have to admit that worried me a little bit. The conference I'm attending is crawling with these Canadians, and they continuously taunt me with foreign phrases like "Tell us a-boot the pro-cesses used in the your pro-jexs. What the hell does that mean? Are they making jokes about the incident with the salmon during the opening reception? I mean, my God, how do they expect a man to act when he has to stare at an open fish mouth for what seems like hours? I offered to have everything dry cleaned. Wasn't that enough?

Anyway, as I said, the session was supposed to be led by a couple of Canadians. I say "supposed," because your agency detained one of the presenters, Joshua Goldberg from Vancouver Coastal Health's TransCare Project, at the border because he is a transgender community activist.

Thank God for that. You might not have been able to stop a terrorist bomber from infiltrating our border earlier this year, but by God, you stopped a transgendered activist from infecting our nation with his dangerous ideas about basic human rights.

There's no telling how much damage he could have caused had you allowed him to enter. Just the thought that I might have been in the same room as him causes me to question my own masculinity. Is it possible that I might actually be an eight or, God forbid, maybe even a seven on the manly scale of absolute gender. Did I look at those cute coulottes at Sears a fraction of a second longer than was appropriate? Why do I worry that my new woodland pattern cammo makes my butt look big?

Damn it. See what I mean. See how dangerous tolerance can be? Now I'm going to have to go out and get big fat mud tires for my truck.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot