Chairman, Republican National Committee
Dear Mr. Mehlman,
Recently, former Colin Powell aide, Lawrence Wilkerson, ratted out Vice President Cheney for encouraging the use of torture. This act of treachery occurred at a time when Our Leader is in a life and death struggle with Senate and Congressional Democrats and RINOs like Chuck Hagel and John McCain over His God-given right to beat, rape, shock, and otherwise torture brown people.Where some might see these stories as being a public relations problem, I see them for what they are, a tremendous opportunity to mobilize our base. Elmer and Myrtle Republican love torture, especially when it's performed on brown people. We need to make them feel like they're a part of it.
I'm talking synergy here. Let the French bawl about torture all they want. We'll use the press attention they generate to fill the party's coffers.
It's all about premiums. If NPR can give a contributor a mug every time he or she donates a hundred bucks, why can't we offer a genuine fingernail pulled from an Iraqi farmer to everyone who contributes $1000 or more to the GOP? We could put them on key chains and have some of Tom DeLay's sweatshop workers in the Marianas handpaint our logo onto them.
Our base would love it. Every time they reached for their key chain, they'd be reminded of their contribution to the causes of freedom and democracy.
We could give our fundraising "Pioneers" necklaces made from the ears of Gitmo prisoners. Christian Pioneers could receive a special bonus "Passion of the Christ" nail that was actually driven through a swarthy man's hand.
We can reward Ranger contributors by allowing them to wield commemorative glow sticks during special interrogation sessions held at our 2008 convention at Guantanamo Bay. Each glow stick would be embossed with the presidential seal, thus making it a premium the Rangers would cherish for years.
Think about it. These premiums represent our most deeply cherish values. They can't miss.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.