Defending our values, brutally

President George W. Bush
United States of America

Dear President Bush,

Back in the mid eighties, I attended a lecture by Vladimir Posner, a Soviet journalist/KGB agent who was making appearances all across the country touting Mikhail Gorbachev's new policy of openness. Americans looked upon Glasnost suspiciously at that time. Many patriots thought it might be a trick to lull us into dropping our guard. I certainly thought so then and continue to believe so today.

I decided that I'd try to trip him up during the Q&A, so I asked him to comment on a report that Gorbachev had denounced Khrushchev and praised Stalin during a speech to the Communist Party Central Committee. Posner replied that Americans were too hard on Stalin. He said, "How do you turn an agricultural society into an industrial one in less than twenty years? You do it brutally."

I was reminded of that today as I thought about how you've set yourself free from the constraints of the Constitution and federal law so that you could wiretap and spy on American citizens. You seem to understand Stalin. You know how important harmony is to society and you'll go to any length, including placing yourself above the law, to achieve it.

As you know, one of the greatest threats America faces is the deterioration of our commitment to traditional family values. It's every bit as great a threat to our national security as the distribution of Mao's Little Red Book to college students. We need to oppose it with every means at our disposal.

My neighborhood is currently under assault by those who are trying to undermine our nation by attacking our traditional family values. I hope we can use your new extra-legal power to provide us with cover as we do what must be done to defend our community.

You see, Mr Garcia, the neighbor across the street, often stands in front of his large picture window wearing nothing but a pair of extremely tight bicycling shorts. Nothing is left to the imagination. His unnaturally large manly bulge of glory draws every eye in the neighborhood, tempting its beholders with demonic invitations to engage in acts of unspeakable depravity.

We've tried everything we can think of to put an end to it. Even my wife, Ofjoshua, spends much of her day over there unsuccessfully trying to convince Mr. Garcia to end this practice. Nothing's worked.

It's time to take it up a level by beating Mr. Garcia and burning down his house. I'm hoping that we can get your support to do so. Inasmuch as you are not bound by any constitutional or legal restraints, you could grant us the authority to commit this assault and arson on your behalf in the name of national security.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot