Oiling the chairs of government

Michael Chertoff
Secretary of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security

Dear Sec. Chertoff,

I think the Department of Homeland Security and its sister brother departments are doing a terrific job defending our liberties. Our government's mail intercepts, wiretaps, tracking of dissidents, secret prisons, and subjecting of suspects to pain slightly less than equivalent to that experienced during organ failure are excellent methods for defending the values we hold most dear. That said, there is still more you can do.

Are you aware of the recent Wall Street Journal article about the three pastors who snuck into a Senate hearing room and anointed the chairs with oil in preparation for next week's Alito confirmation hearing?

Why did they have to break into the hearing room? Weren't the chairs already consecrated with oil? If not, why would the Department of Homeland Security overlook such an important security precaution as the anointing of our elected and appointed officials' chairs?

You can't expect a few good pastors with a gallon of Crisco and a briefcase full of burglary tools to do your work for you. It isn't efficient. They can't break into every government office in Washington. And how can we guarantee the quality of the substance they're rubbing onto our leaders' chairs? For all we know, it could have been blessed by Catholics, or God forbid, Mormons. There needs to be some kind of quality control.

You are charged with defending the Homeland. It's your responsibility to see that all the right chairs are properly oiled. Your department has its own burglary tools and the ability to procure government spec anointing oil from any Administration approved company. Isn't it time you started to do your job?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Via Pharyngula